Revolt of the Zombies is another "zombies are running amok" movie from the 1930s. Or so I thought. I had high hopes for this one; after all, it was directed by the same guy who weaved his magic for White Zombie. Turns out, this movie is a bit of a flop.

First things first. What's the story all about? Well, zombies are somewhat central to the plot. And I use the word "somewhat" quite loosely here. At no point will you see a drooling, slobbering pasty-faced person stagger up to you with outstretched arms. And this will not end up in him tearing off a chunky bit of flesh from someone's shoulder or ankle or neck. On that note, anyone else notice these are the top favorite nibble spots for modern zombies? Whatever happened to the more logical option of chewing off the last bits of flesh from the head of the femur bone? Don't get me wrong, White Zombie worked out well without the flesh-eating feast; that story compensated by throwing in suspense, admirable evil villain and indirectly criticizing colonial pastimes. In this movie, zombies just do what you want, when you want it and for some reason are incredibly well put together (ironed shirt, buttons all there, etc).

Well, no need to fret, none of this happens in this movie. Basically colonial powers are fighting each other, as they do. And most of them are quite worried about this zombie creating power possessed by Cambodian priests. So, after the war, they send off a group of experts to destroy this 'secret weapon'. Here's where it all goes wrong. The one man who can translate that valuable document, Armand, is having relationship issues, in that his fiancee, Claire, is making dove-eyes at another man, Clifford, in the group. In the end, Claire and Clifford hook up and are all ready to be married. And Armand is left angry, bitter and cynical in his little colonial tent with a ready-to-translate zombie-related document in front of him. Can you see how this can go wrong? Have these people never heard of Greek tragedies? Well, I for one, was not surprised when someone went a bit power crazy and built a massive zombie army.

You can learn some valuable lessons from this movie. They are not just good tips for potential horror story writers; they are great guidelines to follow in case you find yourself close to zombie-manifesting temple/hospital/country. Firstly, if there is a spurned lover and he is the only one who can read a document that is equal to a nuclear weapon, please give him some leave. Send him on a holiday, have a chat with him, call in the local counselor. Don't, in any instance, tell him to throw himself into his work and expect him to slave away whilst there is an engagement party right outside his tent. And people were surprised that he was so bitter? No!

Secondly. if you have a temple with the zombie creating power in it, please take a bit more effort to hide the secret panel. You know what I am referring to - that panel that hides the valuable incantations. Don't go for the old "open by tapping gong" tactic. And if you do, please don't leave the gong in open view. People are clumsy, a gong is the first thing they bump against. And yes, a swiveling panel is the first giveaway that something important is hidden there. At least throw in a knife-wielding zombie behind the panel for good measure.

Thirdly, do keep an eye on your subordinates. Or at least have the dodgy ones followed every now and then. You'd think that, because of ongoing wars and whatnot, any self-respecting general would be vigilant about spies and defectors. Well, nothing like that happened here. But they did have a sleazy-looking, totem-stroking pencil-moustached man who was up to no good. I'm talking about Colonel Mazovia; frankly, he created half the problems that culminated in a zombie takeover. If they had taken him out / sent him on holiday / left him behind in the jungle, none of this would have happened in the first place.

I am being overly critical of the movie. That's not entirely fair as it had some good points as well. Much as I have made fun of the lack of zombie gnawing moments, it was interesting to watch a main plot that simply utilized zombies as a sub-plot. My complaints are mostly about the pace and direction of the movie as opposed to the actual story. Plus, I was quite intrigued by the colonial references within the movie. Cases in point? The clothes that were so wrong for the tropical weather, those blatantly Western accessories and paraphernalia in an Asian setting and dear god, those horrible waist-high pants. I always felt that White Zombie made a half-hearted attempt to condemn colonialism while in this case it's less obvious. I mean there is this one major moment of rebellion but somehow it was misdirected at one individual being bad as opposed to criticizing the overall concept of colonial powers. After all, the general and his minions really had no business taking over or meddling with that country.

Well, watch it if you must. After all, you have been warned. Do watch out for those arbitrary Bela Lugosi's death stare moments.

Link to Full movie (Revolt of the Zombies) @Google Video (Public Domain)