The Giant Gila Monster

Doc says the itching should stop soon

This gem of a movie was what we watched during Halloween. To say that it was silly would be an understatement. On the plus side, at least it was entertaining in a “It's so bad, it's so bad, ahahahahaha!” sort of way. So brace yourself for a review of The Giant Gila Monster.

The gist of the movie is simple. There is a gargantuan lizard creature that is terrorizing a neighborhood … as you do. Of course no one realizes that it is in fact a giant monster that is wreaking havoc until it is too late. The story starts when a young couple is chomped and chewed up by the creature. Well, I am assuming it was a yummy feast for the big guy since all we saw was the fast approaching close-up of a badly shaped lizard claw. For all we know, those humans were enslaved and used to clean out the lizard's nest.Yea, 'fraid I caught it too

Thus, when those young whippersnappers are classified as missing, everyone comes up with arbitrary theories. One of them was that they ran off together which, in all fairness, is more believable than the 'Happy Meal for Lizard' theory. Except this is when you are introduced to one of the victim's father. He is a nagging, cynical old man and in just a few minutes of listening to him rant and rave, you end goading the monster to snuff him out next.

On the other hand, this is also when you come across the main protagonist, Chase Winstead. He's the local mechanic who adds a bit of cool factor to the movie. At least that's probably what the screenplay writer was thinking. I mean, he's not the gruff-voiced, military-style heroes we are bombarded with these days but they definitely try really hard to up the testosterone factor. Hence the carefully down-up hair, the strut-like walk, the whole 'I like fast cars' aura, not to mention the singing-dancing move. Of course, this would have worked out beautifully if not for a few hiccups along the way. For one thing, give the man something other than a banjo for his gigs. Only Seasick Steve can add street cred to old school country music instruments and unfortunately little Chase doesn't have that kind of oomph. Furthermore, his supposedly macho stance (you know, leaning forward with one knee lifted up) is a bit of an epic fail. As one in our viewing group pointed out, it ended up looking like Mr Chase had been around the block and had caught an embarrassing infection in his nether regions. While on that topic, it is a tad worrying that the Sheriff also imitates this stance.Dude! I'm working here!

Well, the monster goes a -chomping and folks are attacked or killed. Chase kept showing up to tow cars that had suffered the wrath of the Gila Monster. Funnily enough, each attack was that same claw close-up. Learn a few new moves, Mr Monster! The good news is that the nasty monster does spice up the storyline by destroying a train line. Don't expect anything drastic; it looked like a small, rather confused lizard walking through a train set. By the way, it certainly didn't help that one of us in the crowd was joking about toy train sets being used as props just minutes before this scene popped up. Just when you think that the movie couldn't get cheesier! Oh and that's not all. Little Gila Delight also saunters towards the townhall … well, either because he was peckish or because he really hated the music being played at the sock hop. I think he took offense to that banjo number, as any dignified music lover would. Now it's up to Chase. Will he save the day? Can his fast-and-furious knowledge come in use? Will that annoying cynical guy from earlier fend off townhall folk whilst Chase saves the day?