Lady Frankenstein

Suddenly, a good health insurance plan seemed like a good idea

This week I picked out Lady Frankenstein, an Italian horror flick from 1971. When I checked it out, I didn't realize that this movie is considered a cult classic. Sure, it  is classier than most undead movies of that era but at the same time, there was quite a few 'ergh' moments which cuts down its chances of making it to a top ten list. I just know I will upset a number of diehard fans with this review. On with it, then.

Lady Frankenstein actually features a number of popular names of the movie industry. Directed by Mel Welles (of the Little Shop of Horrors fame), the movie also had Rosalba Neri (a buxom actress known for her sultry looks and incidentally, as the devious doctor from this very movie) and good old Mickey Hargitay. Let me jog your memory that one … sure, you know him from a number of flicks but I will always remember him as the Crimson Torturer! If you happen to catch the latter before watching Lady Frankenstein, chances are that you can't keep a straight face every Hargitay gives a dramatic speech.

Someone skipped the 'Pose like the dead' classes
Before diving into the story, I should point out some annoying elements of the movie. Well, one for now. Is it me or is the dialog a bit off? Either they did a hack job on the translation (maybe nabbed a passerby and paid him a couple of bucks for a quick adaptation) or … the dialog is actually this bad. Whatever the case, I ended up cringing at key points of the movie. Worst case scenario, you will be clutching your head and muttering “They didn't say, tell me he didn't just say that!” Now that you know … let's go on.

You'd think this was the typical Frankenstein horror movie – folks digging up graves in the dead of the night, money changing hands and the recently dead ending up on a cold slab in someone's dungeon. Oh, with hooks, wires and all sorts of other icky equipment poking him all over. Yes, yes, someone somewhere (read: that rich old fellow with a doctor's degree, fancy castle and the dodgy Frankenstein surname) wants to reanimate the dead and laugh hysterically when he succeeds.

Well, the fun side project goes horribly wrong. Oh sure, there was a thunderstorm just when you needed one. And of course, the soon-to-be-animated body was complete, with brains and everything. But it doesn't quite work out the way as planned. For one thing, the poor monster's face catches on fire. How's that for a “Ooh, we didn't forsee that during brainstorming” moment? The two scientists were upset at what appeared to be a failure. No movement from their Igor-like creature, no noises, no heartbeat. Ah wait, there was movement … yes, yes, it looked like the damned thing is alive. With 3rd degree burns and a hideously ugly protruding  glass eye but alive nonetheless.

This is where you recall the 101 of minion control – don't embrace your undead servant the moment he is revived. Test the waters first, find out if he likes to nibble on ankles. Too late for warnings now as the good doctor is crushed to death by his creation. After this, the monster runs off to wreak havoc all over the village. More on that later. Right now, let's cut to the scene of the dead doctor's assistant, Marshall, and his daughter, TaniaCareful, I brought a fresh batch of brains.

Firstly, these two are fretting about calling the police (all in vain as they ended up convincing the detective that it was a break-in). Alright, so they are heartbroken, somewhat, about the doctor's death. On the other hand, they might as well be skipping in joy; those two nuts were quite eager to create their own 'revive the dead' experiment. You'd think the first plan of the day would be creating a strong army of undead who can defend the castle. And do the ordinary chores. Funnily enough, these two dreamed about creating the perfect man for the good doc's daughter. I know what you're thinking … just where is this plot headed? Yea, it gets better. The duo decide that the house servant (and village simpleton) Thomas is the perfect candidate, what with his hairy chest, muscular arms and … full head of hair? Well, they both nodded ecstatically at this choice while agreeing that they would transfer Marshall's brains into that body. There's something so Rocky Horror about this plot.

In the meantime, Mr. Monster is having a field day on his first fews in the countryside. Either he was a prude or he belonged to the Friday the 13th fan club because his favorite pastime was interrupting sex scenes and killing one or more of the participants. Of course, this means that the detective, played by Mr. Crimson Torturer himself, had ample opportunity to deliver cheesy lines all over the show. He was not very good at catching anyone or stopping anything so his presence in the movie is a bit of a mystery.

Well, Thomas has been killed off after being seduced by Tania and smothered by Marshall, at the same time. In his defense, he didn't see Marshall creep up with the pillow. And he was a bit … preoccupied at that moment. Incidentally, this was one sex scene that the monster could have interrupted and been commended for (I don't know, get the sheriff's badge or something). Someone didn't explain the prude police rules to him properly, I guess. When the monster does show up at the castle, the experiment is complete and the assistant is now Thomas-Marshall.
Crimson tights? Hush, it's from another movie
It's not like folks were going to sit down and have tea. Monster starts a lab fight and Thomas-Marshall starts wrestling with him. With the help of Tania, the monster meets his maker. Or at least, gasps and dies close to the spot where Dr. Frankenstein got the hug of death. So, to celebrate the demise of Mr. Prude, the two mad scientists start making out on the operating table. Remember what I said about army of minions? Yea, start regretting that now; the villagers have co-ordinated a pitchfork attack on the castle. Not that these two are bothered. Thomas-Marshall gets all moody during their steamy act and decide to strangle Tania. The director's big on kinky moments, isn't he?

A lot of people are wary of this flick due to its nude scenes. That and the suggestive sex scenes got them a bit hot and bothered. I don't know if it is because we've become more used to such scenes but these scenes came across as somewhat mild. Sure there was full-on nudity but we're all seen Eyes Wide Shut right? And desperately needed brain bleach after that but the point is, there are more controversial material out there today. Plus, at the end of the day, I find the Milkshake song more offensive than some lady doctor killing off her minion via erotic asphyxiation.