My Bloody Valentine 3D

My Bloody ValentineIt is perhaps an indication of just how short they are of new ideas that they would choose to remake My Bloody Valentine. The original film was released in 1981 and it was a dull slasher clone about an enraged miner with a gas mask and pick axe on a murderous rampage. Not only have they dredged up a forgettable eighties slasher but they have also decided to revive the 3D effect. The anachronistic technique means there are inevitably tons of scenes where sharp objects point out of the screen at you which makes very little sense if you are watching it on DVD without the 3D glasses.

The movie starts well enough in true brainless slasher form with a teen party down a mine. Not my first choice of location but it is a good excuse for some murderous action to kick off without delay. There was some kind of accident at the mine and one of the miners went completely crazy. He now likes nothing better than to don his gas mask, flick on his head torch and hunt screaming teens through the murky tunnels.

Main characters Tom, Sarah, Axel and Irene manage to escape with their lives. Cut forward ten years and Tom has returned home. Sick of waiting for him Sarah has married Axel and odd one out Irene is reduced to sleeping with truckers at a sleazy motel. Tom is owner of the mine and now his dad is dead and gone he has decided to sell which kicks off all sorts of crazy reactions and a series of brutal murders. The original killer is dead so who is responsible?

The characters are pretty dull and they don’t really develop. Instead we are thrown plenty of reasons to suspect various people of being the guilty party and while we guess who it is the bodies start to pile up thick and fast. Luckily the film doesn’t take itself too seriously because the story is garbage and the script is terrible. Instead this just focuses on the old school slasher format and throws plenty of gory murders at you along with an incredibly gratuitous nude scene.

The gore is a little disappointing and while it doesn’t lack imagination the effects are incredibly obvious CG which isn’t synced that well with the action. The direction is dull and predictable and the film never creates a tense atmosphere. In fact the pacing seems to be a little off and there are some boring lulls in the slaughter.

Jensen Ackles of Supernatural fame plays Tom and while you may assume his co-star had a better agent for getting him a part in the Friday the 13th remake rather than this it turns out that My Bloody Valentine is probably a marginally better film. Ackles character in this is pretty rubbish though. Jaime King plays Sarah and she is hardly recognisable here with dark hair. The supporting cast are passable and there are appearances from familiar old faces Tom Atkins and Kevin Tighe.

My Bloody Valentine is actually slightly better than the original film which was terribly dull and slow. There is more glitzy action going on here but the plot is still full of holes and at the end of the day this is brainless entertainment.